LORD OF THE RINGS: Inuyasha Style!
by ShadowBluebell
Summary: Long, long ago…screw that, modern day Kagome's given a task on her birthday. Now she has to get to Rivendell, NY, see the Merry Demons of the Hood, destroy the Jewel, all the while evading the forces of Dark Pimp Naraku. At least Inuyasha's her escort!
1. Birthday Bonanza

Kagome gets an unexpected present and task on her birthday... "I gotta go WHERE to do WHAT?" Parody of THE LORD OF THE RINGS, the best freaking movie EVER!

**Lord of the Rings: Inuyasha Style**

**Birthday Bonanza**

Kagome never liked her high school. It was too big, too crowded, and way too noisy. She lost contact with her middle school chums on the first day of freshman year and hadn't made much progress in the "friendship network" since.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING

"Copy the homework numbers down. Remember the test is this Friday!"

Groaning, Kagome and the rest of her classmates left the class in a hurry. She tumbled, stumbled, rumbled her way through the hallway and reached her locker with minor calamaties ("You poked my eye!").

Kagome glanced at her watch. She'd be late to her shrine duties…not that she cared, since Miroku-the-pervert was always there on time. Honestly, he's been her cousin and neighbor for 15 years and he _still_ proposed to her every time they met. Kagome ramaged through and then shut her locker. Without thinking she stepped into the streaming mass of humanity and collided with another student.

"MY EYES!" Suddenly bodies upon bodies piled on top of the two figures on the ground and the school became a war zone. That, everyone, is how the tragic traffic accident of Tokyo High occurred.

--

"Ka-go-me!" Miroku said her name in a singsong voice and embraced her unnecessarily tight.

"I wish you wouldn't do that." Kagome sighed when he proceeded to get on his knees and take out a fake ring box…right in front of a group of European tourists. Amidst the gasps and stares, and camera lights, Miroku managed to say, "My dear exuberant Kagome, will you do me the highest honor of accepting this token of my heart, my soul, my love, and promise to take my hand in holy matrimony?" He opened the box to reveal a replica of one suspiciously familiar golden ring…

Kagome pretended to agree, rather wearily, and went along with the tourists' cheers and screams.

"You've made me the HAPPIEST MAN ON EARTH!"

"Of course, now can we—get—going?" Kagome said through her fake grin. She embarrassingly dragged him to her house through the kitchen door.

"My dear, are we going to do IT in the kitchen?" Miroku wiggled his eyebrows. "I like your style."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. I DON'T LIKE INCEST!"

"It's not like I'm your brother!"

"Well, sir," Kagome glared and sat down on the kitchen counter, "we are on two different wavelengths."

On cue Kagome's little brother entered the story in all his mighty glory. Just as he was about to say something he was cut off by a megaphone from the other side of the shrine. Kagome immediately perked up.

"PARTY TIME!" Kagome shouted and ran towards her birthday bash. Miroku followed, admiring her physique, and Souta sauntered away, annoyed.

--

What Kagome found was not birthday bash, but a strange gravely funeral scene. "What the hell…"

"Kagome…" her grandfather weakly called over from his deathbed, strangely laid out before the giant shrine tree.

"Ooh, is it about your will?" Kagome blinked and skipped over.

"For your birthday present…" he coughed.

"Yes?" Kagome impatiently waited.

"I bequeath you…"

"Uh-huh."

"A cruise…"

"AWESOME!"

"To complete…"

"…huh?"

"Your task…"

"What?"

"Of…"

"…"

"Destroying…"

"…"

"The deadly, tainted, defiled, wretched, disgusting, abnormal jewel." He held out something in his hand. It was a pink marble-like object. As soon as she took it his hand dropped and his eyes closed.

"Grandpa? Grandpa? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Miroku came over. "Shush, he's asleep."

"…" Kagome regained her composure. "Anyhow, I'm supposed to go on a cruise to destroy this?" She held the jewel out. "Looks pretty breakable to me."

Miroku looked beside Grandpa and picked up four tickets and a childish map. "There are instructions here. _Kagome, get your rear end to __Rivendell,_ _New York__ to seek the counsel of the Merry Demons of the Hood. P.S. Avoid the Dark Pimp Naraku at all costs._" He sweatdropped.

"I gotta go to New York?" She stared at her cousin. She leaned over and looked at the tickets. "The cruise only goes from Tokyo to California. Is he saying I have to find my own way through the USA?"

"ROAD TRIP!"

"What makes you think I'm going to do this?" Kagome glared and looked at the jewel. "And why do I have to break this anyway?"

Miroku opened his mouth just as a huge shadow fell overhead. A giant raven hovered above them and the two teens stared in horror. Kagome and Miroku suddenly bolted without thinking and the huge raven followed, but Kagome tripped and fell and the jewel…

**GULP**

"Kagome? KAGOME?" Miroku looked around, seeing no one but him and the giant raven, who looked equally bemused.

Suddenly Kagome appeared behind him, holding a wet, slimy jewel in her hand while she gagged and coughed and hacked for air. "I…nearly, swallowed."

"You disappeared!" Miroku shouted, awed and impressed. "With that I don't have to drill holes in the girl's locker room anymore!"

"WHAT?"

"No time to talk, let's run!" Miroku grabbed Kagome's wrist and dragged her away from the murderous raven, who cawed and followed them…only to crash into the tree and barely miss landing on the still sleeping Grandpa, who dreamt of buttercups and butterflies.

--

"No wonder that raven was after it!" Kagome said. "It's too dangerous. There's something ominous, potent, and somewhat pornographic about this."

"I don't see why we have to destroy it!" Miroku whined.

Kagome rubbed her chin. "Don't you have finals tomorrow? You are a senior…"

He paused. "A vacation would be nice right about now."

"To New York it is!"

Unbeknownst to them two sets of eyes were spying on them from the kitchen window, each enjoying a delicious plate of donuts…

--

**Please review, because the Fellowship needs reviews to make fire during the adventure.**


	2. Enter: Smexey Strider!

**Enter: Smexey Strider!**

"OK, luggage check!" Kagome yelled as she held her clipboard. Somehow Kagome and her ever-perverted cousin had ended up near the supply store.

Miroku saluted for no reason. "Aye, aye captain!"

"Steel bat?"

"Check."

"Walkie-talkies?"

"Got it."

"Extra flammable hairsprays?"

"Yup."

"Mace?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Anti-rape kit?"

"Got…wait, what?"

"Axes?"

"I don't think those are allowed on cruises…" Just then a small hand handed him two Axe Spray; deodorant body sprays, that is. "Oh, right. Thanks buddy…wait, who—"

Kagome and Miroku whirled around to see Souta and his foxy legged partner-in-crime, Shippou. They were both munching on Laffy Taffy. And for some reason covered in a fine layer of soot. "Hey sis, hey Miroku."

"What are you two doing here?" Kagome stared at the two little ones. "And stop eating those, you guys had enough sugar for today."

Souta ate his Laffy Taffy and took out some Kit Kat bars. "We heard you two are going on a vacation."

Shippou finished his Twix bar and took out some cinnamon buns. "We're going with you."

"What, no way." Miroku protested. "We're on a dangerous mission. This can be rated PG-13 and you guys are…how old are you guys?"

"Our ages are meant to be ambiguous," Souta said. "If you don't take us with you we'll tell everyone about Miroku's stash under his mattress—" Miroku whitened.

Kagome turned to her cousin. "What stash?"

"—under his closet, in his drawers," Shippou continued Souta's sentence, "behind his closet, underneath the lampshade, between the curtains—"

"Oh my gosh," Kagome had an epiphany. "Miroku, are you…ARE YOU HIDING CONDO—"

Suddenly a police car passed by. Shippou and Souta shrieked, dropped their respective cheesecake and smoothie, and hid behind the cowering Miroku. A police officer got out of the car and came over. "Excuse me young miss," he addressed Kagome. "Have you seen these two?" He took out two rough sketches of a fiendish looking Shippou and a snoring Souta.

Kagome's eyes bulged. "They're…what did they do?"

"They snuck into the nearby high school and toyed around with some chemicals in the chemistry lab…apparently they mixed potassium cyanide with some other compounds and burnt the entire science hall down. Scary, huh? Smart kids, such a shame I have to take them into custody. Have you seen them before?"

"Uh…they live in my neighborhood. I haven't seen them all day…" she meekly said.

"Well, if you see them please contact the local authorities."

"…will do." Kagome weakly waved as he left. When he drove away out of sight she rounded on three extremely frightened male characters.

Poor, poor souls…

-

"I can't feel my back," Shippou groaned, holding a yellow duffel bag three times his size.

Kagome glared at the three boys carrying her luggage. "You all deserve this punishment! Not chop, chop! We have to get to the harbor before our cruise leaves!" It had been agreed that the four would be leaving Japan for a much needed…vacation…on the condition that Kagome didn't have to carry any bags or suitcases. Which meant she could take as much as she wanted to the US.

Again, poor, poor souls…

"I think my back just broke," Miroku collapsed and a mountain of bags promptly fell on top of his head. "Tell my mom…I forgot to close the fridge door…"

"Aw shut up," Kagome glared and took out her tickets. She looked at a bulletin board. "Let's see…Disney cruise, Hawaiian Adventures cruise, Gay cruise…corrected as the politically corrected word Homosexual cruise, Homosexual Hawaiian Adventures cruise, Oceanic Catastrophe cruise, Jaws and Speed cruise, Thrown Overboard cruise, the revamped and restored and fail-safe Titanic the Second cruise, I might ride that next summer…oh, here's our ship! It's past Gate Three…let's go!"

Kagome skipped to the harbor as her groupies struggled with the luggage. She handed the gatekeeper the four tickets. "Names?"

Kagome froze…she couldn't tell them she was related to the boy who set the high school on fire. "Uh…umm, my name is…Frod—"

"…Frodo?"

"NO!" Kagome quickly said. "Freudian le Britannia!"

The gatekeeper nonchalantly wrote down her name. "You?" He looked at Miroku.

"Sex God Seducer vi Aphrodite."

Shippou stepped in and shouted, "Cosmonaut Captain Armstrong Vladimir Douglass!"

Souta proudly saluted. "Four Stars Lieutenant Lloyd Freemason Matsumoto, SIR!"

The gatekeeper saluted back. "Please enter to your right."

Kagome, dazed the gatekeeper could take so much rubbish, continued on to their cabins.

-

"I can't believe they believed us," Kagome said as she chugged root beer in the cruise bar. For some reason they allowed Shippou and Souta in because they were Cosmonaut Captain and Four Stars Lieutenant, respectively.

Miroku, who was drinking vodka and becoming very drunk, said, "Ya know, I'm so glad you're such a pretty cousin…I'd hate it if my cousin was ugly."

Kagome gave him a sideways glance. "…thanks." She looked to the little ones, who were square dancing on the bar tables and causing a ruckus.

"Ah mean, Ah'm no incest, but Ah guess…guess-ss…Ah should start hittin' an…a…other gals…" he hiccupped.

Now Souta and Shippou were street dancing.

"Ah guess Ah should let yah go…"

Now they were waltzing…

"Like that guy…seems in-t-eres-ted…in yah." Miroku suddenly but expectedly blacked out, spilling his unfinished bottle of vodka in the process, and began snoring.

Kagome turned to who he'd been pointing to. A mysterious figure cloaked and hooded was staring at her, drinking a pint of ale. A shudder traveled down her spine. Suddenly she heard a squeal and turned to see Souta's legs sticking out from behind the bar table and Shippou's tail cut in the coffee machine.

"Oh for crying out loud—" Kagome got up and slipped on Miroku's spilled vodka. "AIYAHHH!" Kagome fell and in a dramatic slow motion she fell back. CUE DRAMA! Kagome's hands outstretched and the lace holding the jewel around her neck, in a twist of fate, snapped and the jewel went flying into the air. GULP!

Kagome choked and disappeared. She held her neck as she went blue and struggled to her knees. She punched her own gut and spat out the jewel. Kagome collapsed as the jewel rolled to the boots of the stranger, hooded figure.

When Kagome came to she realized she had blacked out and awoken in a dark room.

"Hello?" Kagome quietly said and saw Miroku slumped in a chair, and Shippou and Souta feasting on a plate of tiramisu. "Where are we?"

"In my suite," a gruff voice said from the shadows. "And you're on my couch."

Kagome stared at the outline of the mysterious figure. "Step in the light," she said quietly. "Show me your face."

Suddenly the lights were turned on and the hooded man took off his hood. "This ain't Beauty and the Beast you idiot."

Kagome looked visibly upset. "Darn it…" then she saw his dog ears. And then he also had the jewel in his hand. She loudly gasped. "You're…you're the Dark Pimp Naraku, aren't you?"

"Hell no." He said.

"Are you going to take advantage of me?" She said, still staring at his hypnotizing dog ears.

"…what?" His eyes bulged.

"Do you like the taste of virgins on your lips?" She said and whimpered, though the whimper was painfully faked.

Dog eared man got a nosebleed. _"What are you talking about?"_

"Oh, don't be too rough!" Kagome cried and collapsed back on his couch. "But don't be too gentle! It's my first time!"

He shook his head and held his bloody nose. "I'm not NARAKU. I'm INUYASHA! I'm the Strider, dammit. Your escort!"

Kagome sat up. "So…you're not a pimp?"

"Hell no!" He repeated, more vigorously this time.

"…and you won't take advantage of me?"

"NO!"

"…oh." For some reason she looked disappointed. "But I already started unbuttoning my shirt…"

Inuyasha began bleeding profusely from his nostrils and his pants got a little tight.

"Hey," Souta said.

The two teens turned to the two boys as Miroku hiccupped in his sleep.

"Got milk?" Shippou said as he and Souta held up their cups, supporting nice milk mustaches.

-

Next chapter—more cruise mayhems!


	3. Attack of the Jewel Wraiths!

**Attack of the Jewel-Wraiths!**

By the time Kagome had taken her shower, and Souta and Shippou had finished their plate of dumplings, it was well past midnight. The three, plus Miroku the drunk, had fallen asleep in Inuyasha's room. He was about to close his eyes for a rest when his dog ears tweaked and he stood up. He stood up so fast he knocked his chair over, which knocked over a randomly placed bowling ball which squashed Souta's jelly-filled donuts, squirting jelly all over Miroku whose snot bubble popped and Miroku consequently jolted awake.

"Those aren't mine!" Miroku blurted and looked around. "Oh. Good. Just a nightmare."

"We gotta move!" Inuyasha hissed. He grabbed Kagome's elbow, threw Shippou over his shoulder, and dragged Souta out of the room. Miroku watched and he shook his head.

"Show-off."

"What'd you say?" Inuyasha poked his head back into the room.

"Nothing handsome!"

Inuyasha and Miroku took the three sleeping bodies to a nearby room and tensely waited. This was around the time Kagome woke up.

"What's—"

**"SHHH!"** Inuyasha and Miroku slapped their hands over Kagome's face. Kagome fell down, unconscious again.

Just around this time a shadow crept over the cruise corridors. A shadow that smelled suspiciously of liquor and cheap perfume…

Miroku's jaw dropped. "My dream just came true!"

From the end of the hallway the forms of wraiths appeared. But they weren't ordinary wraiths…they were jewel-wraiths. Or rather, lady wraiths of the night.

One of them, dressed like a dominatrix with a feather in her hair, directed the other scantily-clad ladies into the hallway. The second wraith, dressed like a voluptuous nurse, took out a syringe. The third wraith was a naughty officer who had a walkie-talkie in her hand. The fourth was a tall, dark biker-chick with an oversized shotgun. The fifth…

Miroku collapsed in shock.

The fifth one was a cross-dresser.

"Jakotsu, pull up your sexy librarian outfit. You're flashing us all!" The dominatrix demanded, threateningly pulling out her leather whip.

"Oh Kagura honey, I'm just showing what I have. Don't you agree, Yura?"

The nurse backed away, looking pale. "Don't you dare involve me in this."

The magenta-eyed naughty officer pointed to the room Inuyasha and the others had occupied before they switched their room. "They're supposed to be in this room. Let's go."

Kagome woke back up around this time to find Inuyasha spying on the strangely dressed girls. "What's going on?"

"They're trying to ambush us," Inuyasha sneered. "They don't know they're about to get an ugly—"

There was a loud screech and Yura the nurse and the other wraith dressed like a biker-chick came out holding two…life-sized risqué looking female fantasy mannequins.

Kagome blanched and stared at Inuyasha. "You used love-dolls as our replacements?"

"Yup."

Kagome watched the lady wraiths behead the mannequins in rage and, seething, stomped away. All of them except for the naughty officer. The naughty officer looked to where Inuyasha and Kagome was hiding and slowly walked up to them. "Inuyasha, it's clear," she said as normally as one could wearing a sexy officer outfit.

Inuyasha stepped out of their hiding spot and waved. "Hey Sango."

Kagome came to a realization. "Undercover naughty officer!"

Sango gave her a dry look and wryly said, "I didn't pick this outfit. Costumes are mandatory to join Dark Pimp's League of Jewel Wraiths."

"You know you love that getup," Inuyasha smirked, looking her up and down.

Sango would've retorted but at that point Miroku came back from la-la land, stood up and practically tackled her.

"Beloved woman of my dreams, you came!"

**_"Get off!"_** Sango screeched.

"You came for me! You've made me such a happy man!"

Kagome and Inuyasha walked away, embarrassed and exasperated. They left Souta and Shippou to feast on the leftover Halloween snacks in the mini-fridge and traveled to the cruise pool to gather info on the Jewel Wraiths.

"So, what's it like being the…Striker?"

"Strider."

"Whatever."

He growled. "You're lucky you're the Jewel-keeper. Otherwise—"

"Can't touch this," Kagome sang. "Nah, nah, nah, nah, can't touch this! Uh-huh, uh-huh!"

"Shut up, I hate that song."

"Don't hate the player, baby, hate the game. Seriously though, what are the benefits to your job?"

"Dental."

"Really?"

He was about to answer when someone began cackling on the cruise speakers. "You two have officially come down with love-sickness! Please, step into the doctor's office!"

Kagome and Inuyasha looked up to see Yura the long-legged nurse holding dozens and dozens of syringes and scalpels at the end of the hallway. She got into a fighter's stance, which nearly ripped her small outfit into pieces, and she threw her scalpels.

"Watch it!" Inuyasha pushed Kagome aside and knocked some of the scalpels aside with a sheathed antique sword, but Kagome took a scalpel to the shoulder.

"ARGH!" Kagome pulled the offending tool out of her on impulse.

"Serves you right," Yura laughed. "Those scalpels were dipped in the venom of a snake-demon. Humans will die in less than a fortnight!"

Inuyasha stared. "Who says fortnight anymore?"

Kagome collapsed on the floor. "A little help here?"

Yura huffed. "You need special attention from the doctor. Have a shot of these!" She threw and flung her syringes and waves upon waves of needles flew towards Inuyasha. He blocked them with his sheath but a couple managed to pierce his elbow and abdomen.

Yura laughed, until Inuyasha pulled them out with ease. She checked the expiration date on her syringes. "Oh…oops. I guess they're non-lethal now. Let me get the refills and I'll be back with you, you sexy man you." She winked and skipped away.

Inuyasha stared in disgust. Then he became a little woozy. "Oh…I feel sick…"

Kagome looked up. "Dude, I'm dying…"

Inuyasha suddenly looked at her with hunger in his eyes. "My _delicious_ cup of ramen noodle, how are you doing?"

"I just told you I'm dy—wait, what did you call me?"

"My sautéed strips of bacon, how I crave your smell, your touch, your taste."

Kagome stared, getting paler by the second. "Huh?"

"Your plump tush," he casually held her bottom like Miroku would, "is like _two steamed pork buns_!"

Kagome was too deathly ill to slap him, so she said "…I'm…flattered…" Clearly those expired drugs had filled him with sap.

"Your eyes, like pools of chocolate fondue with strawberries on top—"

"Just take me to the doctor's you hungry idiot," Kagome groaned and fainted.

Inuyasha grabbed her bridal style and triumphantly stood up. "I shall do better you beautiful piece of steak, you. I shall take you to the doctor's AND bring us sustenance!"

And with that the Strider heroically raced to save the life of his "beautiful piece of steak."

_To be continued…_

* * *

**AN: **Inuyasha's so hungry.


	4. Final Destinations, and it’s PLURAL

**Final Destinations, and it's PLURAL**

"SANGO!"

Inuyasha kicked the door open, having dizzily regained his sanity moments ago, and heroically stepped into the cruise room with Kagome passed out in his strong arms. A nonexistent wind sweeps his hair over his shoulders.

However, Sango paid him no heed, as she was busy trying to resuscitate one bloody Miroku. "One, two, three, four, five, c'mon, breathe!" Souta and Shippou, by the way, were pulling out shots of apple cider from the mini-bar.

Inuyasha stared. "Were you guys attacked too?"

Sango turned, and sheepishly smiled. "Actually, he groped my butt and I sort of went WWF on him."

"Oh…"

"And then roundhouse kicked him."

"Uh-huh."

"And then put him in a chokehold."

"OK."

"And then threw a vase at him."

"I get it," Inuyasha growled. "Just revive him so you can help me with—" he looked at Kagome, who was by then blue, "—oh crap."

For some reason Shippou comes out with a "Technical Difficulty" Sign as someone over his shoulder shouts, "CLEAR!" Shippou walks away once Inuyasha cackles, "SHE'S ALIVE! HAHAHAHA!" and Sango smacks him upside the head with a, "Shut up, Igor!"

Kagome dazedly sat up and looked around. She saw Inuyasha's dog ears and squealed. "Puppy!" Just as she was about to lunge on him her fingers brushed his cheeks and electricity sparked…literally, mind you, not romantically.

"AH!" Inuyasha fell on his rear. "WHAT THE HELL?"

Sango stared. "The defibrillator must've temporarily charged her with an abnormal amount of electricity!" Because, folks, most superheroes gain superpowers through bizarre and ridiculous ways, Kagome being no exception.

Kagome looked at her hands in awe. "That means…" she stood up and pumped her fists in the air. **"Static shock, baby!"** Kagome-the-hammer started getting jiggy to the beat of "Can't Touch This." Just as she did the moonwalk she tripped on a now conscious Miroku, who had just sat up, and accidentally electrocuted Miroku. "ARGHHIYEEEEEEE!"

Kagome jumped away and hugged the wall. "Sorry, sorry, sorry!" Deep-fried Miroku limply fell back as Kagome shouted, however she didn't see that she was standing dangerously close to the electrical sockets.

"Kagome, don't—!" Sango shouted but too late.

From the ocean two dolphins watched as the entire cruise liner short circuited and all the lights flickered on and off until finally the ship completely lost power. The dolphins clicked in amusement and went off to frolic with the mermaids or whatever they did.

"Oh great!" Inuyasha shouted in exasperation. "Now WHAT?"

They all heard something shatter.

"What was that?" Sango asked.

"Nothing, nothing," Kagome hurriedly said. "The lamp fell, that's all." Actually, Kagome had dropped the Jewel, and it had shattered into a million tiny pieces on the floor. She was currently trying to superglue them back together in the dark, with no success.

Then there was the horrible sound of a gargle and a screech.

Inuyasha gasped. "Fell beasts? So early in the story?"

When Sango took out a flashlight from her cleavage and turned it on they found that, no it wasn't a fell beast, it was Souta choking on an oversized honey bun and Shippou having an insulin shock. Miroku, who had just woken up thinking a Swedish supermodel needed CPR, had to do the Heimlich maneuver on Souta and Sango had to use a first-aid kit stolen from Yura on Shippou.

Kagome stared as the two boys were finally revived. "My lord, all those sweets are gonna get you two killed. Or at least unattractively pudgy."

"Nah-uh," Shippou shook his head. "I'm a growing demon boy with low blood pressure. Plus my stylish vest is very slimming."

"Yeah!" Souta said. "And I have super-high metabolism and Grandpa told me I was possessed by an evil honeybee so I need sweets."

Kagome was about to answer but she was interrupted by the sound of another gargle. "Is someone rinsing their mouth?"

Sango turned her flashlight and everyone's eyes bulged as they witnessed Inuyasha hyperventilating, having accidentally eaten what he thought was caramel…but turned out to be a bar of super dark chocolate! He was having an allergic reaction!

Fifteen minutes later…

"OK," Sango said as she sat a catatonic Inuyasha down on the bed beside Kagome. "Everyone sit still and we can avoid another near-death experience."

No one moved. Until the lights came back on.

"TV!" Souta and Shippou shouted in joy and pushed the On button.

Sango's sixth sense tingled. "WAIT—" Too late.

Souta and Shippou watched a Japanese cartoon dance on the screen and not even a second after they saw this did they suddenly become violently responsive to the blue and red lights. They were having seizures!

Kagome slapped her forehead as Sango and Miroku moved to revive them, yet again.

Twelve minutes later…

Kagome, Miroku, and Sango were gently ushering Inuyasha, Souta and Shippou down the hall, the latter three blanketed and completely catatonic from the whole ordeal. Sango shook her head. "It's always the innocent…"

"It's the jewel-bearer!" Someone shouted from the deck.

Sango froze. "Quick, you five need to get into the lifeboat and reach one of the volcanoes in Hawaii! I'll lead them away!" She heroically dashed off to the deck…as heroically as one could wearing a naughty officer's outfit.

Kagome frowned. "Aren't we supposed to go directly to Rivendell, New York?"

Miroku nodded. "Damn she's got one fine…I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Kagome rolled her eyes. "Help me with these three…we need to get to a lifeboat with a propeller." The two teens dragged the three catatonic companions to the railings and found an orange lifeboat. They unceremoniously shoved the three shocked members over the railing. Luckily they all fell into the lifeboat in a heap. "OK Miroku, you start the boat and I'll lower the—ARGH!"

Kagura the dominatrix or whatever sexy person she was supposed to be snapped her leather whip. "Hand over the jewel!"

"Not to a dominatrix!" Kagome shouted back.

"It's a Halloween costume, dammit!"

"Liar!" Kagome pushed the love-struck Miroku over the railing and she herself jumped. Kagome majestically aimed for the lifeboat in a mega slow motion Matrix move…and missed the lifeboat completely by about a good half a mile.

"COLD!" Kagome screeched as she dog-paddled in the water. "JACK SAVE ME!" Kagome froze. "Oh, right, Jack died in Titanic…" She suddenly felt depressed, not realizing she was dangerously close to the cruise's propellers.

"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah," Miroku sang to himself as he lowered the lifeboat to save Kagome from her demise. "Batman, batman, Miroku-man to the rescue, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah."

Miroku pulled Kagome into the lifeboat and started the propellers. Above them they heard the dominatrix swear like a sailor, appropriate for the situation, and scream after them.

"Under the sea, nah, nah, nah, nah, under the sea," Miroku hummed as the five headed for California.

"Shut up, Sebastian," Kagome growled Inuyasha-like. "By the way, did we miss Hawaii?"

"Oh yeah, we JUST passed it!" He inclined his head over his shoulder.

Kagome pulled out her superglue and secretly began gluing the jewel pieces together. "Oops, oh well. Couldn't have been that important—I'm sure they're PLENTY of volcanoes in the US."

--

**AN:** Sure…PLENTY of volcanoes…


End file.
